Elizabeth Camp journals, 1819-1825
113 pages (2 volumes)
The first volume of Elizabeth's journal is eighty pages, and roughly half of it is Elizabeth's record of her time spent with the Stockbridge Indians as a schoolteacher and unofficial missionary. The second journal is only thirty-three pages, and since there are a number of large gaps between entries, it provides a much sketchier picture of Elizabeth's life as she returned to teaching, then attended school, got married, and had a daughter.
The High Congregational style of these journals is both edifying and entertaining. This young woman struggled constantly to know her spiritual condition, and to express her relationship with God. And unlike many a religion-steeped journal, her entries zing with lively language. Openers like "I am a poor, vile, sinful and unworthy worm of dust" and "A guilty hell deserving worm of the dust has graciously been permitted to witness another holy sabbath" sizzle, and Elizabeth rarely got through an entry without some elaborate articulation of self-loathing (1:23, 1:70).
What keeps the journal interesting, however, is the curious tension between this self-abasement -- considered the appropriate attitude with which to approach God -- and Elizabeth's pride and satisfaction in her "useful" work as a teacher and a missionary. To experience God's love, one had to feel absolutely wretched about oneself, and continually profess one's continual state of sinfulness. Therefore it was difficult, if not impossible, for her to simultaneously feel close to God and proud of her work as God's humble servant: "in short, my attainments in religion are very low. I am truly the vilest of the vile, yet I do not feel it as I ought; Oh when shall I live devoted to God? If I am a christian, why do I not love God more, and serve Him better? I know I have a very selfish, wicked heart, & Oh Lord! make me feel it, & give me deep repentance. May my heart be broken for my sins, & may I cheerfully submit to God in all his dealings with me" (1:16).
Elizabeth was frustrated that although she knew she was wicked, she did not always feel wicked -- and when one was devoting one's time so usefully helping the "dear red people," it must have seemed somewhat contradictory to try to feel like one had a "selfish wicked heart." And yet she did try, repeatedly. "Oh I am a sinful worm, & may I feel it more and more & humble myself at the feet of Him, who is the sinner's friend" (1:41).
Initially Elizabeth mentioned that her school has seven native children and six whites, but she did not mention the white children again -- in fact, the next entry states "had but seven native children," suggesting that the whites ceased attending (1:26-27). She brought her little niece to Stockbridge with her to keep her company, and she felt "something lonesome, as I am deprived of the society of white people" (1:26). Loneliness soon passed, as she involved herself in the community. Within a few weeks, she wrote: "I do love these dear red people. I have peculiar sensations while uniting with them in their devotions such as I do not experience meeting with any other people" (1:43). She was even able to relieve her own religious distress by talking with a "dear christian Indian woman" (1:46).
In addition to teaching school, Elizabeth attended native female society meetings, "the object of which is to promote industry and good morals among the females" (1:32). She also visited households, speaking to the women individually about their spiritual state of mind and instructing them in religious matters. When one woman said she had always loved the Saviour, Elizabeth had to explain to her that she was wrong. "I told her that we were born into the world enemies to God, that we did not naturly love Him, nor anything that is good &c." (1:32). She also went to weekly "conferences," and sermons on the Sabbath. Although Elizabeth presumably communicated with the Stockbridge in English, a "Mr. S." delivered a sermon in the natives' tongue (1:29). Most of the meetings Elizabeth attended were conducted in the Indian's language, and she had to rely on tone and demeanor to gauge whether or not the people were suitably "solemn," which they typically were.
Leaving the Stockbridge in September was difficult for Elizabeth. She shook hands with her school children, and after a final prayer meeting together, "two indian women accompanied me home, spent the night with me & breakfasted with me this morning" (1:51). Elizabeth went on to visit friends and return to her native home, and closed her journal with a lengthy transcription of Mrs. Martha Laurens Ramsay's "self dedication and solemn covenant with God," copied from the memoir of that "excellent woman" (1:71-80).
The most interesting part of the second volume of the journal is Elizabeth's account of hearing a dead woman's journal read aloud by her intended spouse (2:10-11). Elizabeth praised the young woman, who had possessed "superior qualifications for extensive usefulness, both native and acquired," and the young man, who "performed his task with an appearance of deep solemnity -- sensibly feeling his loss."